Well,  I quickly ran out of things to write about our family.  I have not even looked at this blog in two years - almost exactly 2 years.  I read my optimistic, positively-focused note on seeing the beauty in the chaos, and I liked what I had written.  What I wrote about Uncle Jim was a good capture of what he was like. 

However, this last year or two has been a struggle to stay positive.  It seems there is so much negativity around me, and that my particular life is resistant to change.  Autism, stubbornness, crotchety old age, perfectionism and disorganization seem determined to drag me down. 

In fact I have been sliding down the last two years- not for a lack of love for my beautiful children but b/c we are trying SO hard to IMPROVE things, to meet goals spiritually and functionally in how our family lives,  and we seem never to meet the standards of those who live here.

It's been a discouraging year or two.  I wonder why so negative, why such a sense of failure, why feel so inferior to others who seem to be able to do this....if I look at the positive, others think I am not working on the things that need to improve.  Some think everything is substandard: how we eat, how much we eat, when we eat, how we raise our kids, how we spend our time, if we have friends, if we go out, we spend too much time playing with the kids, we don't spend enough time with the kids forming them, they're too loud, they fight, they interrupt, they're too quiet so they can't be heard (they mumble), we don't sleep enough, they're bored, they need something to do, they need to leave each other alone, we sleep too much, they watch too much TV, they should go outside, it's too hot outside, it's cold in here, you need a nap, your nap was too long, what's for dinner/lunch/breakfast/it's not healthy enough/they need their vitamins, we all need a psychologist, or an exorcist or a counselor or whatever the latest unhappy fact is that some folks are locked in to. 

Then there was the suggestion that I go away for treatment for depression for two weeks, when I was not depressed at all! Another stunner that made me feel utterly misunderstood. Maybe I just need some encouragement?  I asked my dearest friend if she thought I was depressed, and she chortled 'absolutely not'.  It was a confusing time....

Then there was the major rant where the shortcomings from one person's perspective, of our family are solely and totally my fault:  the kids aren't obedient, disciplined, respectful enough b/c of me, "we" don't deserve to live in such a messy house, my weaknesses pull the whole family down...all me.  So much, delivered to me after a nice dinner out (a rarity b/c I am not good enough at managing the home to warrant being asked out, so I have been told) that, lying there listening in the dark to the weight of the world being dropped on my shoulders, I fell asleep from the sheer surreal weight of the accusations, wondering if I would be alone when the new day dawned.

I had the fortitude and calmness, somehow, to point out that more than one person is responsible for raising the children, and that any time someone wanted to help clean up the place they were welcome to do so.  A little respectful pushback surprisingly seemed to produce a little more respect and even a kind of apology.  What cannot be forgotten is that apparently that was the true impression of me: an utter failure, an albatross around the neck of the family. 

Hard to break out of this.  It's like the scene in Gulliver's Travels where the little people tie him down with hundreds of threads.  It has made me sad.

Is it wrong to feel good about one's self? Is it wrong to be happy when things are not perfect? 

I seek God's help in prayer.  I pray for us all.  I consecrate myself and my family and my work to God through Mary.  I pray for joy and peace and an attitude that focuses on the happy things.  After all, we have far more 'right' than 'wrong' with us.  We are not starving, unloved, uneducated, ugly, sick, overweight, unevangelized, friendless, homeless, poor, unemployed or victimized.  We can help others and be generous to those in need.  We can encourage those in tougher times than we are in, and share our faith to give glory and praise to the God who made us and loves us.

Sometimes it's lonely.  Sometimes it feels like the little people have me tied down and I can't lift a finger, but the ties are a thousand criticisms, complaints, bickerings, whinings, ungrateful actions, unappreciation, and then my own weaknesses.  A sigh here, a sublte whimper there, a look or a raised eyebrow of dissatisfaction.

I don't feel like I have the strength to reverse this avalanche and this obsession for all things negative.  In fact, when I address it there is such a backlash that I am defensive, critical, imagine negativity when there is none (oh how many times I have wanted to write down all the things said to me and read them back at the end of the day), unspiritual, demonized, unmanageable, thin-skinned and more.  It's ALL MY FAULT.  Everything. And then storms out of the room and it's two days of the silent, moody treatment, like a giant stinking cloud in the house. Never an apology, because, of course, it's all my fault!

How does one love through this?  How does one set healthy boundaries?  How does one deal with stinking silent treatments day in and day out if I make the slightest mention that I do not want to hear about the details of the child who was abused and murdered who just happens to be the same age as my daughter?  Or have the sexy, disgraceful commercial that I was ignoring, loudly pointed out to me in the presence of males.  Or hear about the latest drowning in a swimming pool (we have one).  Or hear how other people talk too much, are controlling and dominating, and how there is literally not one person who is good enough to be a friend in any environment b/c they are too unspiritual, too liberal, talk too much, whatever.  And also that 'we never do anything together' - and that is because I need to get away from the relentless negativity!

I have known that things have become difficult and I have been working so hard to overcome it...talked with competent folks about it, read about it, prayed on it, confessed my weaknesses, tried hard and then harder still. The abiding sense of failure is a burden.  I will say that it is less than it used to be b/c I have intensely made a plan and carried it out to help myself become more organized and to bring the house to a point of more order in spite of the autism, the anxiety in the kids, the passive-aggressive suggestions to have others do such-and-such, the criticisms of my spouse... 

It's a dilemma. Help me to love, oh Lord.  Help me to have a sense of peace and contentment, to be focused on the positive and to have a grateful, cheerful heart.  Help me to see myself in a balanced way, as you would want me to see myself.

I played the piano the other day.  It was nice to feel the music move me like it used to, to hear my daughter say 'play more, mom, you're sooo good at this'.  I arranged some flowers for a friend's party and I enjoyed making 13 beautiful, unique arrangements, and seeing that I have some creativity left in me.  I have made some really creative, unique meals lately that I thought were beautiful to look at and delicious.  I made them for me, and nobody had to eat them but me.  I've written some things on politics, the dignity of life, on humorous topics, read a great book about a topic that was intelligent, passionate and just and had nothing at all to do with my life (the Narrative by Frederick Douglass".  I've received praise at work and praise from people outside my family that I have an insightful perspective on the social and religious and political issues that are afoot.

Yet, the negativity persists here.  Dear Lord, please help me to find a mentor who will understand me and advise me how to see myself in a balanced, humble way.  To grow yet be content.  To diligently work at my faults and at my children's faults yet be joyful about all that is going well. To address the festering negativity that is among us in a loving way, as you want us to.

Tomorrow morning: two soccer games early!  What fun - but already, 'he should stay home' b/c he's not feeling well.  It's too early.  "Ugggh, oh no" "do they have to play?" "It's going to be cold (it was 87 today) in the morning", what/when will you feed them? etc. etc. etc. 

Lord help me to love as you want me to, to see as you want me to.  Help my family to see the positive attributes I have and to love one another.  We have so many blessings.  Help me to carry them - the autism, the child with anxiety, the resentful traveling husband, the little one with the temper, the elderly person with the negative attitude, the job with all my patients - help me to carry them with love.  Sometimes it just seems too heavy.

September 7, 2012